What You Teach Without Knowing (They Are Always Watching)

Opening the cupboards I see it. It does’t hit me right away. I open the kitchen drawer for a spoon and I noticed it, but just barely. Then last night, as I folded and put away clothes, it confronted me again, but this time I paused. In that moment, I realized my son does things the way I do. I saw his habits mirror mine in many ways; ways I did not intentionally teach him. My son had been watching and paying attention to everything I did. 

You raise them and hope they keep some lessons you teach them. During the time you are doing this, you are in constant battle with the domineering attitudes and rebellious spirit of dragons you never knew you gave birth to. Yes, it’s a constant battle day and night. Slaying the dragon or taming the shrew in your kids is a labor of love or self-imposed torture. Either way, raising children is a tough battle with unknown outcomes. 

One morning they are noncombatants and compliant with your wishes, and the next, fire-breathing winged devils that want to devour your peace of mind. It all works out in the end, moms and dads. Just keep on doing what you do to the best of your ability, and cut yourselves some slack in the self-deprecating. They are learning even when you don’t know it. 

I am on vacation in beautiful, picturesque Colorado. It is not to be our annual trek. Our son lives here and has begun his life and career here. I, being his mother, cannot go more than a few months without seeing him, so we will come out at least once a year, and hopefully, he will come to us at least that often. We are here for ten days. Ten, because he works during the week in another part of the state, and so he is not home on weekdays. We planned it that way so we could at least spend two full weekends with him. 

During the week, I am at work. Not writing like I am now. No, I am a personal chef to a lineman. I have a list of items that the client requested me to make, and I am currently preparing them. Our boy misses Mom’s cooking. 

Meal after meal is being made, putting them into individual meal containers and freezing them for use as needed. At least a month's worth of meals have already been neatly stored. His apartment freezer had limited space, so we gave him a stand-alone freezer. It’s full to the top now. By the time I leave, he will have two freezers for his garage. 

Anyway, he left yesterday morning for his work week. I got to work cooking. His kitchen drawers are neat and organized. Spoons neatly stacked, forks on their sides and all facing the same direction, dishes, glasses, and cookware all in perfect, organized order. Impressive. Mom approved. 

My son is a bachelor, and oddly enough, his house is tidy. Nothing to see here that a mom would be concerned about. I wish he had kept his room this neat while he was growing up. It would have saved a lot of hardship, making him clean his messes. But at least he is clean now. No mortified girlfriends in his future. (He is cute and single, ladies. And neat. Win. Win.)

Mom’s have this way of wanting to take care of their boys, so I saw he had laundry in the hamper and dryer, and I kept myself busy. I folded the clothes and put them all away. As I was hanging clothes and putting away his clothes, I saw what I didn’t expect. Shirts, all facing one direction and on hangers, even t-shirts, pants hung as well. Work clothes in a different closet than his “civilian” clothes. 

I got ready to put his socks and underwear in his dresser, so I opened the drawers to see how he folded his items, expecting to see them just thrown in with little fanfare. That was not what I found. Socks all folded, military-style, underwear folded the way I used to, and shorts all rolled and stacked neatly in separate drawers. Yes, each item had its own drawer. This was not how he did it at home as a kid. The shorts rolled into the drawer was not how I used to do it, but it made perfect sense, and it was efficient. 

I walked into the living room and mentioned to my husband that our son had been paying attention to how we did things over the years and was modeling them. Obviously, he had his adjustments for what made more sense to him, and that is to be expected, but the base was all there. I guess I don’t know why it astounded me, but it did; in a good way. 

It occurred to me that not all lessons our kids get are direct. Sure, I taught our child how to cook, clean, and make the beds. His dad and I gave him all the normal lessons needed for adulting. He does those things well, and that is rewarding on its own. What is even more rewarding to see is how he adopted habits we didn’t teach him. Cupboards all organized and categorized, glasses all in rows with like-sized glasses, towels all neatly folded and it their own space. None of those habits were part of the important lessons he needed to know to go out on his own. But he learned them all the same. 

Parents, everything you do matters. Your children are watching, even when you don’t think they are; even when you think they don’t care. They most certainly do. Even if they don’t know it then, they are taking in everything you model.  

One day, when they leave home and you go visit them, you will see the results of all the hard work you put into raising them. And they will make you proud. That is when you will feel good about what you have done and how you did it. There is a reward for every detail of the parenthood journey. That is the time when you will know, you don’t have to worry about them in that regard. They can and will take care of themselves, well. 

Keep on track and don’t give up hope. The bickering and rebellion are all for good. In the end, they will see the wisdom in the skills and lessons you provided. You will see the wonderful outcome of all your worry and grey hairs, from the skirmishes you had with your kids. 

You have passed the torch. You live on in little ways you might never have imagined. This is how humanity and society develop: hand-me-downs. Hand down your talents, knowledge, and wisdom. Don’t forget love. That one comes first. 

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